El Reign del Raton

(THUMP.  Person bolts upright in bed, startled awake from a deep slumber.) 

What was that?  Something just fell.  Did you leave anything perched precariously before you went to sleep?  No.  Are you sure?  Yes.  So then what was the noise?  Is someone trying to break in?  You know you hear imaginary sounds all the time here, but that was real.  Was it real?  Yes, it definitely was real.  #$%@! that means you have to get up.  Okay, just check it out and then you can go back to sleep and return to the lovely dream you were having about the box of macaroni and cheese you bought today at Super Maxi.  Okay, light: on.  Survey the room.  Everything looks normal.  Wait, my duct tape is missing.  Who would come here just to steal my duct tape? (THUMP sounds again, followed by the pitter patter of razor sharp nails scurrying across the floor.) 

#$%@!  Something is definitely in the room.  Okay, think fast.  Weapons, weapons . . . crud!  I knew I should have packed my num-chucks.  Why did I let Mom talk me out of bringing those?  Note to self:  If you survive the night, screw the budget and spend the $6 on the machete.  Okay, what else do I have to protect myself?  Ah yes, the flyswatter!   (grabs flyswatter and waves it around in the air)   

Okay, now you’re ready.  Look at the floor – is there anything you can see?  No, okay, slowly put your feet down and into your sandals.  Wait, there could be something under the bed.  #$%@!  Okay, just grab the sandals and put them on in bed.  Quickly, quickly.  Okay, good.  Now just jump out of bed.  Move the mosquito net first.  Yes, that’s it.  On three.  Uno, dos, tres!   (jumps to the far side of the room, lands gracefully in ninja pose with flyswatter outstretched ready for attack) 

Wait for it, wait for it.  Okay, nothing.  Time for plan B.  The sound did come from this room, right?  It’s the rat.  It has to be the rat.  He ate your bread last night and now he’s back for blood.  But how did he get in?  The doors are shut.  The windows are shut.  Well, the past is past, the future’s now – and now it’s time for the rat to meet his end.  He’s trapped.  He can’t escape.  Death by flyswatter!  Okay, inch forward.  He has to be under the plastic tubs or the bed. You can take this raton.  That’s it, slowly . . . AHHHHHHHH!  (giant rat runs out from under plastic tubs – directly at person.  Person screams, jumps in the air, executes a flawless 360° turn, lands on heels, trips over flip flops and falls onto butt in middle of room.  Rat jumps 3 feet into the air, hits door, and runs directly back under plastic tubs.  Person jumps 3 feet into air, lands on feet, opens door and runs outside, slamming door on way out.  Person runs into road and stops to catch breath.)  

#$%@!  That’s a big rat.  Now what are you going to do?  It’s in your room.  The doors are shut – there’s no way out.  Maybe you can just sleep out here.  It’s nice under the sky.  There are no stars and it’s a little foggy, but that’s okay.  You can probably even wake up before everyone else and sneak back into your house.  But they get up super early here, and they might catch you . . . then what will they say?  That’ll be the joke of the town for the next two years.  And if a dog attacks in the night, I don’t think the flyswatter will be of much good.  Also, it’s a little cold out.  Okay, not a good idea.  What else can you do?  What was plan C?  Oh, yeah, there was no plan. What if you wake up Wachington and Geovana?  They said if you needed them not to hesitate.  Hmm . . . is a rat that big of a deal?  Well, you know you’re not going back in there alone.  So it’s that or sleep out here with the wild dogs and giant killer moths.  Okay, just go and knock on the door, they said they’ll wake up right away and help you with anything you need.  They’re really nice, you know that.  They’ll understand. 

(Knock, knock.  Elderly woman answers door.)   Okay, so you woke the grandmother up – note to self: apologize to her tomorrow.  But for now, just explain to her that’s there’s a raton gigante in your house and you need a little help.  Great, she said she would go get Geovana – she’ll know what to do.  Wait, wait! Did she just say there was a ladron in your house?  No no no, raton, not ladron (thief.) Yes, but add that it’s really big.  Yes, that’s right.  And tell them it attacked you.  If you say that they might think you’re less of a sissy.  Ah yes, now wave the flyswatter around for dramatic effect.  Excellent. Now they understand how hard you fought against the raton and barely escaped with your life.  Okay, good.  Yes, Geovana is coming to check it out. 

(A half-hour later, back in bed.) CRUD.  How did the little bugger escape? The doors and windows were shut.  There is a crack between the ceiling and the walls, but that’s really high up and rats can’t jump that high . . . can they?   Now you look like an idiot.  Well, we put rat poison out for him, so hopefully he’ll eat that.  But that’s in the kitchen, what if he comes back in the room?  He knows you’re here alone, unprotected.  You do have a mosquito net, but he’s a rat and he could tear it to shreds in minutes.  Do rats like to eat humans?  If he comes in from the ceiling, he can jump onto the mosquito net, chew through that, drop onto your face and dig your eyes out.  I don’t want that to happen. I need my eyes, I’m a photographer.  Man, what do I do?  Okay, calm down.  Breath.  Think rationally.  Don’t be stupid, rats don’t eat humans.   

(razor sharp claws scurry across the ceiling) AH!  He’s back.  Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no.  What do I do, what do I do?  That’s it, the light, turn the light on.  Okay, now make some noise and maybe he won’t come in the room.  Maybe he’ll just go in the kitchen.  If I have the light on he won’t come in here.  Will he?  He’s more likely to go to the kitchen.  Yes, you can hear him in there, poking around.  Okay, now just fall asleep.  You can’t be terrified if you’re asleep.  You just read that the average person falls asleep in 7 minutes, so start counting.  Only seven minutes of terror and you’ll be off in la la land and the rat can go about his business, eat the poison, and die. . . . but wait, what if it’s a super rat and the poison only helps strengthen it, building up it’s immune system to all things human?  Then it will be really mad and come back for revenge.  What do I do, what do I do?  (this goes on the entire night, with sleep nowhere to be found.) 

*The rat ate the poison that night, but was nowhere to be found the next day.  I spent the next few nights startled awake by every single noise.  Two days later, I found a dead rat under my cocineta.  Thus ends the Raton’s Reign of Terror.

~ by number3263 on May 22, 2007.